Saturday, January 15, 2011

In memoriam: My mother's first anniversary

Shortly last year, after my mom passed away, my life really spun out of control & eventually went in directions I never thought it would go. Throughout all of the changes my life has undergone since my last entry, one thing has remained constant--that my mother is gone; that I miss her very much.

I am the only person to lose this mother (except for my brother and sister). Even we siblings cannot understand each other’s loss completely, since our relationships with Mommy were unique and had nuances that are extremely personal and, in many ways, intensely private. There are those moments shared just between mother and child, when no one else is a witness, and those become a slide show of memories that are precious yet heartbreaking.

.I can recall many times spent with Mom that made me realize not only how much she loved me, but how that love was magnified by things I said and did. When my eldest daughter, Andrea was born, I saw something in the sparkle of Mom's eyes that was both familiar and different, a sort of maternal pride that coalesced as she held the baby, reminiscent of her own motherhood and yet celebrating my own. It goes beyond saying that this affirmation of our own mother-daughter bond was multiplied infinitesimally by this new dynamic. Just when I thought my mother could not love me any more, I found that she could through my children.

I feel that there is no time frame for grieving. It' s been a year since I lost my mother and this her passing away still affects me. But I just keep on living and forgetting that our own time is limited too. I still grieve in my own way... I like to think that the moments I especially need my parent is when she is looking down to see how I am.